A Snag in the Fabric

Today is usually one of my free days. I only have one class, so I wake up at a reasonable hour and have the whole day to be productive. Unfortunately, that is never the reality. I think of all the wonderful things I want to do on a Tuesday (walk the dog, work on a drawing, free writing exercises, cleaning, homework), and then end up asleep somewhere. Often times my bed. With winter upon this midwestern state, movement beyond the bed becomes unpleasant due to cold.

Admittedly, I feel bad for the hound. Being a high energy German Shepherd who recently entered into a love affair with snow, being inside with a sleeping mom is never fun. He often times sleeps with me, then slowly starts to annoy me in hopes of a walk or frisbee. Don't worry, he usually wins. He's very persistent. And cute.

But my self-motivated activities are far less nagging. Finally, I did a bit of drawing. Not in my usual style either, which was surprising. This drawing inspired me to revisit my 101:1001 list. If you not possess one, you should. Mine can be found here. I am saddened at my lack of progress, especially on the easier tasks. How I have yet to buy a lottery ticket or complete a coloring book is beyond me.

My list features a lot of learning tasks, adventurous undertakings, and childish antics. Some may consider it odd to find burlesque class, kite flying, and cake decorating all on the same page, but yes, I am some mash-up of a exhibitionist, a child, and a 1950's housewife. Add old British woman, and you have the full package. How these things happen, I do not know.

Even though I have 740 days left to complete all my tasks, I still feel a race against the clock. When will I go sky diving? When will I shave my head? When will I make my own candles?! These are pressing questions of which I am sure we all ask ourselves.

I feel as though my life needs to be made in to list. My health problems have sucked the spontaneity out of my life. I no longer just sit in my basement and paint all day. I start to, but wake up on the orange shag carpeting three hours later with dried acrylic paint in my hair wondering what I was even attempting to work on. It's frustrating. Whenever there is something I would like to do, I need to add it to my daily list, lest I forget.

Who wants to live from lists? I do not want every moment of my life scheduled out to one activity or another. The fun is in the fantastical, and how can anything be fantastical when written in your day planner? "3 pm, Thursday: Make amazing mural." That does not excite me.

I find myself to be too particular. Perhaps I should be grateful that I have the time to do these things, or the will. Perhaps my wish for improvisation is more of an excuse for whimsy. And whimsy, I have more than enough of.

Hopefully, I will soon have an answer to my health problems, so that all the acrylic paint will end up on a canvas, rather than my hair.

Tick Tick Ticker

Today, I had an echocardiogram. For those of you who are unfamiliar, it is essentially an ultrasound of your heart. I do not know when I will receive the results of this test, but hopefully soon. It wasn't a fun experience though. As nice as the technician was, I could have sworn she was going to break through my rib cage and actually get straight to my heart. It was uncomfortable.

In other news, Twitter fight! I'm a very in-your-face sort of person. I will defend someone to the end if I think they are right, or if they obviously need defending. In this instance, it was the former. Amanda Palmer, the incredible musician and artist, made a comment regarding the new TV show "Bridal Plasty" in which brides-to-be compete for plastic surgery before their wedding. One of Ms Palmer's comments was to the effect of "If you're fat, hit the gym. Fucking love yourself for fucks' sake". I am not word for word on that, but likely close.

Of course, someone was offended. Likely several people were, but one person I follow on twitter made it clear just how offended she was: Ms Beth Hommel. She is a member of Ms Palmer's team of assistants. I love her art, and enjoy her witty commentary. Unfortunately, on this particular day, Ms Hommel and I were on opposing sides.

I believe that you can control your body, and appearance. I believe that if you are happy with yourself, no comment can change that. I believe that being PC is ridiculous. I believe that if you are looking for something, whether it be ammo for a fight, personal attacks, unicorns, or Jesus, you're bound to find it somewhere. I don't think any of these beliefs are particularly outlandish, but not everyone must agree. Beth Hommel did not. I suspect she did not understand me very well, as can happen when limited to 140 characters. I will do my very best to explain.

I believe that being overweight is a life style choice. As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, my body image has not always been a positive one. But the wonderful thing about your body is that you do possess the power to control it, whether than means dying your hair, getting a tattoo, or adjusting your weight. Over the past two years, I have been experiencing health problems that have created challenges for me when it comes to weight. Although I am still at a health weight, I am no longer at my ideal weight. But I have since made the choice to change that, with exercise, an improved diet, and herbal remedies.

I know plenty of individuals who suffer from medical conditions that make gaining or losing weight difficult, but not impossible. Even with health problems, their weight can be changed. I am not saying they should change their weight, just that if they wish to, they have the ability to. And in either direction. If they did choose to change their weight, it might be more challenging, or require different methods, but could still be done.

Each person can choose the way they present themselves, and the way they live. If you choose to live in a thin body, a fat body, a body tattooed entirely blue to appear like a smurf, that is your own choice. But the point is to be happy with it.

If you are happy with yourself, then you are without doubt. You know who you are, and you are the person you want to be. No matter what comments may come your way, and how hurtful they may be, you can take solace in yourself.

I'm not one to take the easy path, especially when it comes to my appearance and how I present myself. When I was 6, I demanded to be Elvira for the halloween party at my Catholic kindergarten. When I was 8, I cut my eyebrows off because I did not like the natural arch they had. When I was 12, I dyed my hair purple. Last year, I had dreadlocks that were burgundy, purple, and hot pink. I'm not conventional. I've been the brunt of many jokes, and been bullied for much of my youth. I was happy with myself. I defended myself, and continued doing what made me happy. I learned that nothing else matters beyond that.

Not everyone is like me, and thank goodness. But I believe the same belief holds true. If you are happy, nothing else matters. Because of this belief, I think it's silly to be PC. It may be trendy, but it is not honest. That is not to say that words like "nigger" or "faggot" are acceptable terms, but rather that comments like "if you are fat, hit the gym" should not be ones which insight duels. Not every word spoken can be filled with rainbows and peace signs and butterflies, and I don't think they should be. Life is art and art is expression.

If a comment like the one Ms Palmer made offends, even though it was not directed at anyone in particular, then they are not happy. They are insecure. They are offended because they have labelled themself in a negative way, but do not wish others to label them similarly. If you feel you are "fat" and not beautiful, do what you need to so that you may become beautiful in your own eyes. Those are the eyes that matter. And once you believe you are beautiful, you won't care what others say.

I hope that I have made some semblance of sense. Even if it isn't agreeable, I hope it is at least understood.

Until another day.

Slow Weekend

In an effort to avoid cleaning, I thought I'd give a quick update.

My family comes to town for Thanksgiving on Tuesday, which means I must clean the house in order to avoid execution. I've decided to put most of the cleaning off until Tuesday afternoon. Perhaps not the wisest choice, but I am not in the mood right now.

I have another doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I've been having more health problems this week and I'm done just living with it. It has been more than mildly unpleasant, so I won't be waiting around anymore.

I'm truly looking forward to the long weekend. Perhaps I will succeed in beginning my art project for the show. Or maybe I'll receive something that will inspire me. Some old friends and I have a traveling art journal, and after a break, it's started up again. I'm currently waiting for it to arrive at my doorstep. I have missed it.

On Wednesday, I saw The Dresden Dolls. I will be sure to post photos soon.

I kept it brief, for once.