Answers and Frustration

On Friday, I received the results of my sleep study. 256 electrodes, 4 naps, and 1 night later, I am no closer to an answer. Most of my test results came back normal, which is on the one hand a good thing, but on the other, I still feel like crap and do not know why or what to do to feel better again. The doctor believes I just need more sleep than most people, and I now have to sleep 10 hours a day. I can return in 3 months for a follow up appointment.

Admittedly, I got emotional. I am not an emotional person. In fact, I'm apathetic to most things. It takes a lot to get an emotional response from me, but this did it. I was so frustrated that after 2 years of testing, of sickness, and struggle, I was back to square one. Actually, I'm further back than square one. At least when this all started, we could brainstorm what it could be. This sleep test was really my last idea.

Although I don't want to be narcoleptic or anything along those lines, because I remain undiagnosed, I cannot become a special student, meaning I will not receive any additional help or modifications to my education. My health problems have taken an incredible toll on my cognitive abilities, and it shows heavily in my school work. As a college student, I cannot afford to be floundering, let alone failing.

I used to have a near photographic memory. Now, I can't tell you what I did 2 hours ago.

I haven't made any art in 6 months. I don't have the energy or the insight. I'm supposed to be working on a piece for an art show, and I haven't even drawn mock-ups. I have a few ideas, but nothing close to a finished product.

Today, I joined a gym. If you know anything at all about me, you'd know that I despise all methods of physical activity. There's a reason my bed is so warm and cozy. There's a reason treadmills are neither. Unfortunately, because of these ongoing health problems, I have to work out. My body aches, my calves are always on the edge of a charlie's horse, I've put on some weight, and I'm beyond weak. If the doctor's can't give me answers, I officially have to start trying to be healthy. Working out included. Eating healthy also included.

I'd honestly rather die.

In order to convince myself to go, I joined the nicest gym in the area. TVs on every machine, huge pool, hot tub, sauna, the works. If I have to be there, I want to at least sort of like being there. I also see many massages in my future.

Now I must clean my house (or pretend to). I feel like I'm not allowed to have any fun this weekend.